Happy New Year, gang! I’ve returned to trot out a new year of sci-fi and fantasy hotties. If this is your first time joining us, welcome! The Sci-Fi Pinups is the monthly segment where I scar you for life with photos of hot space dudes in metal bikinis, three-breasted Martian hookers, and the Hoff in a Speedo.

Somehow, you guys keep coming back for more eye-searing action. (I’m beginning to worry.)

I hope you’re ready for the new year. We’re going to dive right in with the music edition! This month, we’re featuring the songs you know and wish you could forget love.

Miss January comes to us from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. As soon as you’re in her presence, you won’t be able to help but notice her lips and legs that seem to go for miles. She’s performed for tough audiences on planets everywhere, but currently rocks the house on Tatooine, delighting crime lords, bounty hunters, and scoundrels encased in carbonite.

She is…

Photo courtesy of Wookiepedia.

…Sy Snootles of Star Wars: Return of the Jedi!

Miss January’s turn-ons include bosses who aren’t strangled to death by chicks in metal bikinis—because how else is she going to get paid? If you take Miss January out on the town, you’d better bring your dancing shoes and be prepared to boogie your buns off.

Just don’t do it over a Rancor pit.

Here’s a clip of Sy doing her thing in Jabba’s palace. The little disco song she sings in the movie is called “Lapti Nek” which means “Work It Out” in Huttese. (Trivia: the song was written by John Williams. Pretty awesome.)

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttV_PMNSYC8?rel=0&w=420&h=315]

Surprisingly, there’s a lot out on the internet about Sy Snootles and the Max Rebo Band. The Star Wars universe is vast and incredibly detailed, and Sy has a big back story. So, if you want a little more of Miss January, you’re in luck:

Sy Snootles’ story on Wookiepedia

Some goodies:

• Here’s a cool Max Rebo Band t-shirt.
• On Etsy, one lucky fan can pick up these vintage action figures of Sy and the Max Rebo Band for only $30USD.
• There’s also a super cool Jabba the Hutt “Palace” art print with Star Wars characters that form the letters. Sy Snootles forms the letter C. This print is so cool. I want it.
• And, of course, 10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Star Wars from io9.

Okay, it’s time to stop, collaborate, and introduce Mr. January. When good and evil collide in the middle of his club, he takes to the stage and provides the fighting soundtrack. This performer has mad skills, flaunting his moves, his suit, and his crotch. When he isn’t laying down the beats, he’s a private detective or something. Because if there’s a problem, yo, he’ll solve it. (Yes, I’m ignoring your collective groan.)

He is…

…Vanilla Ice from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

Mr. January’s turn-on is hair gel. Lots and lots of hair gel. If you hit the town with Mr. January, avoid flames. Just sayin’. Also, avoid cymbals, because he goes crazy when he hears them.

Okay, I’m done with the puns. Really. Word to your mother.

Here’s Mr. January in action, doing his famous (and cringe-worthy) Ninja Rap from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze:

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_K6971WmAs?rel=0&w=420&h=315]

Of course, if you want a little more Mr. January, you can get it.

• Here’s a cool Go Ninja Go t-shirt from RedBubble.com. I really love the RedBubble shirts; I just wish they weren’t so damn expensive. Have realistic prices, RedBubble!
• Also, I found a simple white Ninja Rap shirt with a cool Asian/martial arts style design. I like this one.
• [ed: she doesn’t know what it is!]
• Buzzfeed has a silly article on 10 Epic Moments from the Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap Video.
• There is, for reasons that escape me, a dedicated website called NinjaRap.com. This site includes step-by-step instructions on how to get down like a ninja turtle. The website’s very cheesy (and from the look of it, incredibly old) but it made me giggle.

Stay tuned for more! In the next couple of weeks I’ll have an update on the next Kari Hunter book, which I am flying through. Very excited about this book, guys.

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Pincushion photo courtesy of Steven Depolo.